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Nice to Meat You
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Contributed by Anonymous on Thursday, July 29 @ 07:55:42 EDT
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Now, the bulk of this story didn't happen to me, but I was somewhat involved. It's a long one, so prepare yourselves. I work at a small record store chain in Pennsylvania and we get our share of crazy regulars that come in. Since the stores are fairly close to each other, I get moved around on the schedule a lot so I get to meet the crazies from every store. Well, if I stay at one for too long they start to get to know me and that's not good for anyone, like I eventually found out.
One day this guy comes in wearing a turquoise bandanna and medical scrubs, and asks me to take a look at his new cell phone he just got. Looked like an older model, nothing special. He then asks me to turn it on, where I made mistake number one. I was treated to a nice electric shock since it was a disguised prank phone. The guy starts laughing hysterically while I just stand there with an incredulous look on my face. He must have sensed how miffed I was because he then pulled out his real phone and proceeded to order me a pizza, gave me an LED flashlight you can charge in your car, and a bunch of posters from out of his SUV. I thought I was on some kind of reality TV show or something! While waiting for the pizza he tells me how he wanted to test the phone out on me because he's planning some huge elaborate prank on the other guy who works at the store, lets call him David. Our store sells tickets for a company (it rhymes with Mickettaster), and prankguy had gotten frustrated with their policies while in the store and thought it was David's fault. Against my better judgment, and mistake number two, I told him what time David would be working that week and he said cryptically "I'm gonna get him so good."
Well, he ended up not pulling the big prank that week, but he did
continue coming in for sometime whenever I was working, bringing along
more posters, more pizzas, and more prank devices he tried using on me.
To even further prove his lunacy, he'd buy nearly $300 worth of
merchandise every time he would come in, always paying with cash, and
letting me keep anywhere from $50 to $100 of his change, despite my
protesting. He would usually follow up with a $200 purchase on his
credit card saying he "liked to f*ck with his card company". I told
David about the guy (obviously leaving out the part about prankman
trying to get him back) who would laugh and say he wanted to be on shift
when the guy showed up one time. The poor fool.
This went on for
a couple of months until on my way for a night shift I had a voicemail
from prankman. How he got my phone number is beyond me, and haunts me to
this day. It was mostly him just rambling about how the mission was a
failure and how bad he feels etc, etc, etc. So I show up for my shift
whereupon David begins telling me about how a guy in medical scrubs came
in. I started laughing, but immediately stopped when David's face
showed no sign of amusement. So it went like this, prankman came in,
David was already unnerved since he had only half of his face shaved.
Prankman comes directly up to the counter and says with a completely
straight face, "You and me, we got a problem." David didn't remember him
so was confused, without saying. Prankman continues, "This whole ticket
situation has got to stop. Because it gets me really fired up, and when
I get fired up, bad stuff happens to people. You seem like a nice guy,
so I'm gonna let it slide this time but if it happens again you and
anyone else who works here.." he then pulls a baggie out of his pocket
which had a raw porkchop in it, and full on slammed it on top of the
counter, ".. is dead meat." David described him as having the most
intense facial expression on at this point, no hint of joking or
anything. So they stand there for a few minutes, scaring the two other
customers who were in the store, before prankman starts laughing very
hard and trying to shake David's hand. He kept saying "Aw man, I got
you, it's cool, it's cool." Not enthused, David started cursing the guy
out, "I'm not shaking your f*cking hand! If you're buying something, get
it and then get the f*ck out! I never want to f*cking see your face in
here ever again! Get out!" Prankman at this point felt really badly,
"David, man! I'm sorry! You're one of my good friends! Please, just
shake my hand!" David still not amused, "GET OUT!!" So prankman sulks
back to his SUV out in the lot, while the customers in the store started
telling David that they were ready to jump the guy if he tried robbing
the place or anything. The day proceeded normally from that point for
David, except prankman's SUV was still out in the lot (the store had big
front windows that gave you a good view). About an hour later a
convertible showed up, a woman gets out, and then she went over to
prankman's SUV and started talking to him. She comes and says to David,
"Doctor Jim feels really, really badly about what happened and doesn't
want to lose you as a friend so he wants you to have these.." she had an
assortment of cookies, the chocolate from which was melting all over
her palm, ".. theres chocolate chip and peanut butter." David screamed
at her to also get out and that he didn't want her melty cookies. She
went out to tell prankman the bad news. They stayed in the lot for
another 10 minutes before both driving off.
That was the last we really saw of prankman for a few months. He came in one time after that while I was working and had said that he had been in jail, and was under house arrest. He then showed me the ankle device he had to wear. He did his usual craziness with pizzas, and left. I swear all of this is true. I get a lot of people of this calibre in, but this was definitely the zaniest. That was the last time I ever saw him and probably will ever see him since they closed that particular store not too long ago, but I'm not really complaining.
I could really use a pizza though.
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